The desire to see our children excel is natural, but our attempts to help them excel can sometimes become counterproductive. When we take on the role of coach, we may inadvertently convey the message that our children are “not enough” as they are. We set ever-moving targets for them, constantly pushing them to do more, try harder, and achieve more. But what if we shifted our perspective and took those targets for our child off our plate entirely?
What we truly intend to communicate is, “I believe in you. I know you can do it.” This message is better delivered through our roles as parents, in the following ways:
See Them: Our child knows if we find interest in them, their activity, and their participation in it. As a tired parent myself I can appreciate the need to decompress after a long day, but it is important to find time to set down our work, our book, our social media and put our eyes of non-judgement on our child and simply see them.
Be a witness rather than an audience: A witness is present, attentive, refrains from making judgments, and sees and accepts the child exactly as they are in the present moment. It is crucial for a child to be seen and fully accepted for who they are. This acceptance is the fertile ground in which self-acceptance can take root and flourish within themselves.
Provide a soft nest: Let the tears flow freely. Offer emotional support, affection, comfort, and an overall safe space for your child to express their feelings. This includes physical sensations such as pain, fatigue, tiredness, and emotional experiences, such as, overwhelm, fear, anxiety, frustration, sadness, embarrassment, confusion, joy, and pride (to name just a few).
Find the wins: Find and celebrate achievements including the non-technical ones such as being an encouraging teammate, attempting a new skill, coming back after a setback, or displaying great effort.
To guide your child effectively in their Jiu Jitsu journey, it’s essential to keep your long-term goals for your child in mind. Instead of focusing solely on achieving happiness through winning and high achievement, consider qualities that lead to life satisfaction, such as authenticity, resilience, and self-acceptance.
Your support, patience, and belief in their inherent worth and capabilities are crucial. Embrace your role, avoid the pitfalls, and keep the long-term perspective in mind. By doing so, you can help your child develop internal motivation, a growth mindset, and the skills they need to navigate their emotional experiences, both in sports and in life. Your role as a parent is irreplaceable, and it is indeed the most important role of all.
