Newsletter December 2023

Let’s define them:

Natural consequence – is a product of the behavior itself and doesn’t require parents to point out the consequence in an attempt to shame them (in fact it will backfire when parents do because humans don’t like to be wrong so it can result in the digging in of the heals by the child as a way to cope and avoid feeling the shame).

Example:  Child refuses to put on a jacket and spends the day cold.

Logical consequence – makes sense based on the behavior and the child can draw a direct line so that the consequences doesn’t feel vindictive rather it makes sense even if the child doesn’t like it.

Example: Child won’t get ready for bed so the routine of reading and songs is shortened to just the song.

Punishments – have no connection to the behavior we’re wanting to change and are intended to make a child suffer in order to control their behavior.  They require an escalation is severity to maintain control often result in the parent believing “nothing works!”  This will also diminish the desire for positive things in their life that are taken away in order to get back some of the lost control by the parent.  At the sub conscious level what happens is “If I don’t love xyz (i.e. Jiu Jitsu) then you have one less tool to control me with. I will stop caring about anything”

Example: No screen time tomorrow because your child “talked back” to you.

Remember: “We are not preparing our child for life. THIS IS LIFE and we are living it along side each other”

Facing tasks you’d rather avoid is something everyone deals with, not just kids. It’s a challenge that sticks around as we grow up, so it’s important to give kids skills they can use when we’re not there to punish them into doing things.

Instead of taking away stuff they love to make them do things they don’t like, let’s focus on giving them tools and skills that last a lifetime.

Getting rid of activities, especially the ones that make them happy, just to control their behavior doesn’t help us reach our big goal. Our goal is to help them do things they might not want to do.

When you opt for punishment over building skills, you’re entering a competition where the parent-child relationship ends up losing. As time goes on, you might find yourself having to take away more from your child, and the impact of punishments lessens. Punishments don’t naturally encourage cooperation, as true cooperation can’t be forced. While it might lead to short-term compliance, it often results in ongoing struggles during the teenage years. When we consistently punish our kids, they become increasingly distant from us, losing access to the things that once brought them joy and satisfaction in life.

Think of finding solutions as a teamwork adventure. Some fixes might only work for a little while, and others might stick around for a long time. Don’t give up, even if you have to go back to the drawing board again and again—because that’s just how life is.

If cutting back on activities is part of the plan, make sure it makes sense to your child and isn’t just a punishment.

Strategies for supporting your child’s academic success:

Utilize tools like checklists, timers, and schedulers.

Implement regular check-ins and utilize trackers for homework, tests, quizzes, papers, and projects.

Foster communication with teachers for ongoing support.

If over-scheduled, consider practical adjustments rather than punitive measures.